


The "Condoms plus Lube" Guy

by pikkupingviini



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, Swearing, bilbo enjoys thorin being embarrassed, dwalin is adorable and embarrassed to buy condoms himself, embarrassed Thorin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3543137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikkupingviini/pseuds/pikkupingviini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo is a cashier at a store and Thorin is a customer who always comes and buys condoms. Bilbo gets the wrong idea of this and Thorin is sooo embarrassed</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this promt somewhere and decided to go with it : “I’m a cashier and you always come buy condoms and lube, so I think you have constant sex, but you buy them for a friend who’s too embarrassed” au
> 
> It's not betaed, and English is not my native language, so there might be mistakes! I am sorry if there are :)

“That would be 7.43 please” Bilbo said and waited patiently for the older woman to get her money out of her little purse. It always took long for the elderly to get their money, so Bilbo smiled apologetically for the people queueing behind the lady. 

The lady finally found the coins and placed them on Bilbo’s palm. “There you go, dear” she said and walked away with her groceries. “Have a nice day!” Bilbo exclaimed, maybe a little too loud. He turned to his work. 

Sometimes he hated his job, it was too boring. He needed the extra cash, though. Writing was extremely rewarding and fun, but it didn’t pay the bills.

\--

“Again? You gotta be fucking kidding me, Dwalin! Can’t you just get them yourself?” Thorin was growing furious. Dwalin was just like a teenager. Couldn’t handle his own grown-up business. “Okay, jeez I’ll get them for you. You owe me for this.”

It was the third time that month Thorin had had to buy Dwalin condoms. He couldn’t believe that Dwalin, of all people, would be ashamed to buy those things. He was going to kill Dwalin if the cute cashier was at work again.

He went to the store to buy some groceries and the fricking condoms. He found the condom aisle easily. He knew the kind, even though he didn’t want to know Dwalin’s preferences on that area. 

He had the lube, condoms and some vegetables on his lap as he was walking up to the checkout. He saw the familiar face of the cute cashier and almost turned around to try the self-checkouts. Then his and the cashier’s eyes met and the cashier shot him a cheerful smile. Thorin sighed and walked up to cash register.

He put his stuff on the conveyor belt and realized with a jolt of what on earth he was thinking with buying all this. He saw bananas, cucumbers and carrots, among other groceries and of course the lube and condoms. 

“Shit” thorin murmured, and the cashier was clearly enjoying himself. He swiftly scanned all the items and didn’t even break his smile through all of it.  
\--

Bilbo’s day was instantly made when he saw “condoms plus lube”- guy in the store again. His co-workers and him had started calling the cute guy “condoms plus lube” when he had started buying them almost once a week. Bilbo had had the pleasure of being his cashier for most of the guy’s shopping times. 

As soon as the guy placed the elongated, quite phallic-looking vegetables and fruits on the belt, Bilbo had almost lost it. They were taught not to laugh at a customer’s purchases, but holy shit, this man was going to have the best time of his life. Bilbo couldn’t help but laugh silently in his mind.

Bilbo heard the man mouth a little “shit” and Bilbo laughed a little. The laughter died in his throat, but the smile lasted on his lips. 

“It will be 45.30, please” Bilbo stated, and the man paid with a credit card. He was blushed, understandably, and tried to walk away quickly. Bilbo shouted kindly after him: “Have a nice and fun day, sir!” after the man. The man’s pace quickened and soon he was out of the door. Bilbo chuckled to himself and made a promise to tell his co-workers what “condoms plus lube” bought this time. 

\--

Thorin got in his car, threw the stuff on the seat next to him and called Dwalin. 

“I. Will. Kill. You.” he hissed in his phone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I am sorry I haven't updated this in a loooong time but now I've written the new chapter! 
> 
> First I was planning on making this a two chapter fic but I decided that it needed to be at least 3. Hopefully it won't take me as long to make the third chapter :D
> 
> Enjoy!

Thorin didn’t like that Dwalin and Nori had picked this place. The music was really loud and Thorin felt uncomfortable. The feeling might have been caused by Dwalin and Nori who were quite handsy with each other; groping like there was no tomorrow. 

Thorin sighed and turned away. They were in a fucking bar, for crying out loud! Those two were like actual teenagers; couldn’t keep their hands off of each other for a few seconds. “Alright, lovebirds, I’m gonna get me some whisky” Thorin said with an irritated tone. 

He made his way towards the bar and saw someone familiar sitting there, having a blast with his friends. “Oh no”, he murmured anxiously and sneaked to stand on the end of the counter with his back facing the group. He ordered his whisky and was making his way toward his table when Nori got up from his chair and a shriek of joy came behind Thorin. “Oh, Nori! Come here!” Nori came rushing to the group behind Thorin and he noticed Nori’s little brother Ori was there. “Hey, you two, come on!” Nori pointed at Dwalin and Thorin.

Dwalin and Thorin sighed at the same time, and joined the group. They gave each other a look they both knew too well. Nori was happy and cheerful, always his best in a big group, when Dwalin and Thorin liked to stay in small groups. Especially when there were people Thorin wished to not see at all. 

He thought that he might be childish, just like Dwalin had been embarrassed to buy the condoms and lube. He just didn’t want to see the smirking cashier. He pushed the thought aside and focused on Dwalin’s sighs and Nori’s loud laugh. 

Nori introduced Thorin and Dwalin to the other group. Thorin and Dwalin tried to smile and say hi to everyone, but it was exhausting. Thorin sipped his whisky and tried to stay out of sight, lurking behind Dwalin. The other’s introduced themselves, and Thorin knew some of them from before. He tried to listen to everyone’s names, but it was hard with the music playing loud on the dance floor next to them. 

“And I’m Dildo Shaggins” the cashier said, introducing himself. Thorin choked on his whisky and coughed. Everyone else seemed not to mind that name but Thorin felt the need for him to say it again. “Sorry?” The cashier looked at him like he was stupid. “Bilbo Baggins” the cashier said again, with a little bit more precision in his voice. “Oh, okay. What a.. lovely name” Thorin responded and chugged the rest of his whisky and got up to order another one. Dwalin got up to go with him. “Excuse us” Dwalin said and jogged to Thorin’s side. 

“What’s wrong with you?” he demanded as Thorin got the bartender’s attention. “I misheard his name at first and didn’t want to make a fool out of myself” Thorin whispered. Dwalin burst out in loud laughter and Thorin felt as red as a tomato. “Fuck you. That Bilbo Baggins guy is a cashier at our local store. You must have seen him there, whenever you’re out buying groceries and not your own god damn condoms” Thorin snickered at Dwalin. Dwalin looked at Thorin with a knowing smile on his lips. “You like him a bit, don’t you?” he asked. Thorin didn’t answer. Instead he chugged all the whisky and took a deep breath. Dwalin nodded his head. That was all Thorin needed to do for Dwalin to understand. 

\----

Thorin woke up later than usual and found that Dwalin had already left for work. Thorin was pleased to have the apartment for himself a little while. He went to the kitchen, took out the sweetest cereal, opened the fridge door and tried t grab the milk without watching. He couldn’t find the carton, so he opened his eyes and looked. They had run out of milk and in the place of the milk carton there was a note: “Buy milk and condoms”. Thorin grunted and slammed the fridge door. “Fuck.”

This time, he chose to walk. It was only a ten minute walk and he wanted to wake up properly if Bilbo was working. Maybe he could say something extremely witty if Bilbo caught him buying condoms again. 

He took the milk and condoms and made way to the check-outs. There were a lot of people on there. He realized that it was almost noon and that all the old people flocked the stores at the exact time. He decided it was best to choose the self check out for he only had two items. He walked up to it and scanned the milk and placed it on the other counter. Then he scanned the condoms and placed them next to the milk carton. He was feeling victorious. But when he put in his credit card, the machine froze and started to make a beeping sound. Thorin cursed out loud and heard the old ladies behind him inhale sharply and complain about the youngsters and their language. 

Thorin saw a cashier making way to him and he looked up. And saw Bilbo. Bilbo looked ecstatic to see him again. “Well hello! Seems like you have a problem with the machine sir” Bilbo said and walked in between Thorin and the beeping machine. He clicked on something, swiped his staff card on the credit card slot and the beeping stopped. “There you go, Thorin” Bilbo said and let Thorin wrap up his purchase. “Thanks” Thorin said. Bilbo responded with a smirk on his face “You’re welcome, have a lovely day.”

**Author's Note:**

> I will write another chapter for this soon hopefully!! Loved writing this :D


End file.
